


Call me Granger

by Seamus_Fanigan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, F/M, Light-Hearted, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-24 12:41:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21338413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seamus_Fanigan/pseuds/Seamus_Fanigan
Summary: Draco has a plan. Will he get what he deserves?
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 14
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick story about the trouble you can get into when you try to be nasty.
> 
> (I know Luna doesn't really need to be in the story.....it's just that I can't resist writing her).

Draco Malfoy sat at the Slytherin table on Tuesday morning staring moodily at his breakfast porridge. His parcel had better arrive today, he thought. It had cost him his entire term's allowance and he wasn't going to be happy if that bloody Mundungus had ripped him off. That was the problem with black marketeers; you could never quite trust them. Admittedly his order wasn't illegal, anyone of age could walk into Angelica's, the wizarding sex shop tucked discreetly just off Diagon Alley. But Draco wasn't of age. He wouldn't be seventeen until next year. His only option had been to find someone to buy the item for him and then send it on undercover. He'd considered trying to make the stuff himself of course, but now that old fool Slughorn was Potions master he didn't have the access to the supplies he'd enjoyed under Snape's tenure in the post.

He scowled into his porridge, two Galleons over the asking price Mundungus had charged him. Two Galleons to walk into a shop and then thirty yards to the Owlpost Office and forward it. Two bloody Galleons! He lifted his head and glared over towards the Gryffindor table.

There she was, spooning porridge with one hand, the other hand holding a textbook, her bushy brown hair hanging down in front of her face as she read and ate at the same time.

"I'll show you, you joyless, stuck-up cow." he thought, "I'll take you down a peg or two Granger. We'll see how long that prudish perfect-miss-prefect demeanour lasts."

The owl fluttered down and landed on the table before him and settled its feathers. Staring at him with its large golden eyes it held out its leg. Malfoy nervously undid the knot with trembling fingers and removed the small square parcel. He quickly tucked the parcel into a pocket beneath his robes ignoring the questioning looks from Crabbe and Goyle sitting beside him. He raised his head and looked over at Hermione again. A malicious grin spread across his pale face.

"Gotcha!" he whispered.

***************************

Hermione bustled about her dormitory. Every night since she'd started at Hogwarts it had been the same; after supper she'd go to the library to do her homework and then return to Gryffindor tower. Upstairs in her dormitory she would, like all the other students, set out her clothes for the next day in a neat pile on her trunk before going back down to the common room for one last read-through of her homework. She finished arranging her clothes and began to turn down the covers of her bed as an indication to the house elves that she'd like a hot water bottle. She hoped she wasn't too late, one of them had already lit the fire that crackled merrily in the grate. Maybe there was an elf already in the room. She knew it was a matter of pride among them that they performed their duties unobserved. She finished adjusting the pillows and whispering, "I'm sorry if I kept you from your duties" just in case, she made for the door.

Outside, twenty yards from the window, floated Malfoy, silently watching her from his broomstick as she moved around the room. Hidden in the black darkness his eyes never left the rectangle of warm candlelight that was Hermione's dormitory window. He watched as Hermione turned down the covers and plumped her pillows. He watched as she walked to the door and, taking one last glance to make sure everything was in order, left the dormitory, closing the door behind her.

Malfoy drifted closer to the castle wall until he gently stopped his forward momentum with one foot against the ancient stones. He stared intently through the glass. Granger shared a dorm with two other witches. His nightly surveillance had told him that much, and he needed to know if he'd be disturbed. No, it was okay. The two other trunks had their piles of clothes on already; Patil and Brown must have been up and laid theirs out earlier.

"Alohomora." He whispered the spell as he tapped the diamond paned window with his wand. The casement unlocked with the faintest click and he tucked his wand away before gently opening the window a couple of inches. Sitting on his broom he floated in the cold night air and listened intently. Nothing. No footsteps on the stairs, no voices. The dormitory was quiet except for the crackling of the fire in the grate. Opening the window to its fullest extent he climbed silently inside and let out his breath. His heart was pounding in his chest, if he was caught.....

He tiptoed to the trunk at the foot of Hermione's bed. Reaching into his pocket he removed the small cardboard box that had been wrapped in the parcel that he had received that morning. Printed in ornate gold lettering across the lid were the words 'Wizard Viagrum's Dust of Desire'. He lifted the lid and removed the information leaflet to reveal a small glass pot with a gold coloured metal lid. Tucking the empty box and pamphlet into his pocket he unscrewed the top and examined the contents. A heavy bluish-grey dust rippled and swirled like a liquid inside the jar.

Malfoy reached down and picked up Hermione's knickers from the neat pile on her trunk. He looked at them scornfully, the prissy little lilac bow stitched at the waist and the word 'Wednesday' printed in matching lilac on the front. Taking just one pinch of the dust he sprinkled the powder over the panties before replacing them neatly back on the pile of clothes and screwing down the lid.

"Now we'll see!" he whispered, his eyes sparkling with impish delight. He took the box back out of his pocket, not noticing the instruction parchment flutter to the floor, and replaced the jar inside before creeping to the window and climbing through. Floating on his broomstick he quietly closed the casement, relocking it with the colloportus spell. Taking a deep breath and smiling wickedly to himself he slowly sank back through the darkness toward the ground far below.

Inside the dormitory Dobby the house elf crawled warily from his hiding place beneath Parvati's bed, his huge eyes wide with shock. Dobby collected the leaflet from the floor and quickly read the instructions. "You is a very bad wizard Master Draco." He said glancing out into the darkness beyond the window. "Very bad." Dobby tucked the instruction parchment under his hat and shaking his head sadly he continued his work in the dormitory.

***************************

Wednesday morning at breakfast Malfoy could barely eat. He'd arrived early to select a seat that gave an uninterrupted view of the Gryffindor table and now he was watching Hermione. He'd watched her arrive, her face slightly pink as if she'd been running. He'd watched her all through breakfast as she'd fidgeted on the bench, unable to sit still. He'd watched her as she eyed up every passing sixth and seventh year wizard, her tongue occasionally moistening her lips. His plan was working! The Slytherins and Gryffindors shared a potions class just before lunch. By then, he hoped, she'd be in such a state of arousal after three hours wearing her aphrodisiac panties that he'd be able to coax her into some sexual indiscretion in front the whole class. That'd show her! Stuck-up, bossy bloody Gryffindor. Let's see her live that down.

Malfoy stood up and left the table, walking with a slight swagger he passed her as he headed towards the doors of the great hall. He looked over at Hermione and for a moment their eyes locked. She was sitting stiff and straight on the Gryffindor bench, thighs pressed tightly together. He raised one eyebrow quizzically. Her eyes widened and she bit her lower lip as she gave the tiniest of nods. Aloof, he turned and swaggered from the hall. This was better than he could ever had hoped. Just wait until potions.

***************************

Professor Slughorn waddled into the potions classroom and the quiet hubbub of chatter among the students died away.

"Good morning class."

"Good morning professor." Chorused the students.

"This morning we will be attempting a rather tricky little potion. Not complicated, not dangerous; but one that requires discipline to concoct correctly. The Draft of Tranquillity uses ingredients you've all met before, and by this stage in your education the techniques should be completely familiar. What is different about this potion is that it must be brewed in complete silence.

"I'm not referring to the clatter of the bottles and spoons you'll be using; but to your voices. No words or sounds can be uttered during the process or its efficacy will be destroyed. To help with your concentration I'm going to mix the class up a bit. I want Slytherins to work next to Gryffindors." He smiled knowingly at the class before continuing, "If you're not standing next to a housemate you have a better chance of not chattering.

"Right then, mix yourselves about."

For a few moments there was confusion as the students wandered around the class changing places. Malfoy gave Greengrass a gentle shove as she was about to take the bench next to Hermione and took the empty place beside the Gryffindor. Hermione looked up at him and gave him a shy smile from under her lashes. Professor Slughorn addressed the class once more,

"Alright, from this moment there cannot be a sound from any of you. You have everything you need set out before you, the instructions are on page forty-two of your text books. And, in complete silence then......begin"

He settled his ample backside on his chair and taking out a small box of crystallised pineapple he looked around the room before popping a piece in his mouth and unfolding his copy of the Daily Prophet and sighing contentedly.

The students busied themselves with the brewing. The quiet of the classroom was only broken by the chink of ingredients bottles and gentle clatter from the stirring of spoons and cutting of knives. Malfoy was acutely aware of Hermione next to him as she fidgeted her way through the task. Repeatedly running her hands down her legs to straighten her skirt she kept glancing at the pale Slytherin beside her. From time to time he noticed that she pressed herself against the corner of the bench, each time with a little intake of breath.

"Ants in your pants Granger?" He whispered.

"That's what it feels like," she whispered back, "It feels like my knickers are full of them. It tickles." She looked at him again, blushing, "It feels nice."

There was an unpleasant gurgling sound from each of their cauldrons as they both began to pour dense black smoke. The smoke quickly cleared and they each saw that their cauldrons now contained nothing but a sticky lump of tarry brown goo, where only seconds before there had been a pleasant smelling clear liquid. Professor Slughorn looked up and shook his head with disappointment. Placing his fingers to his lips to keep the rest of the class quiet he scribbled a quick note on a scrap of parchment before bringing it over and putting it on the bench between Hermione and Malfoy. They looked down and read the fussy handwriting. "I'm disappointed." it read, "Both of you will clean out your cauldrons and start again when the class has finished. You will miss lunch I'm afraid."

With a malicious smile of triumph Malfoy took his cauldron to the sink. This was better than he'd hoped. They'd be alone in the room after everyone had left. Maybe no one else would see what he'd get her to do, but the effect would be the same; for the rest of her life she'd have the memory of whatever depraved act he could persuade her to perform in front of him. At the end of the lesson the professor gave a pompous little speech about following rules and then dismissed the class. As he passed them he frowned with disappointment.

"In complete silence then you two. Leave the potions on my desk when you're done and begin the brewing when I close the door. Such a shame you'll miss lunch. It's lasagne today." And rubbing his great belly he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Malfoy turned to Hermione and smiled hungrily.

"So where does it tickle Granger?"

"All in my knickers." She looked at him wide-eyed, "Shall I show you?"

"Oh by all means Granger. Show me your knickers."

Hermione reached down and took hold of the hem of her skirt. "You won't tell anyone will you?" she said.

"That depends Granger. That depends on what happens after you show me."

Hermione giggled. "Alright then." And she lifted up her skirt.

Malfoy looked down.

"You naughty girl Granger. You naughty, naughty girl."

There they were; Hermione's white knickers. The pink bow at the waist and the word 'Thursday' in matching pink lettering.

The truth dawned on Malfoy a second too late. He looked up in horrified realisation.

"But...." he began.

The spell from Hermione's wand caught him square in the chest, flinging him backwards and slamming him against the wall. He was stuck to the wall as if by superglue. He struggled but he could move nothing but his eyes. He looked fearfully at Hermione as she stood before him pointing her wand at his face.

"The flypaper hex Malfoy. You're not going anywhere." She tucked her wand back in her pocket. "Better than 'Immobilis' because you can still speak. And I want answers."

"I'm saying nothing Granger. You can't prove anything, and after lunch Slughorn will be back and you'll have to let me go. Typical of you; goody two-shoes Granger. Can't even get her own back properly."

Hermione glared at him in fury. "You vile, repellent, spiteful......"

She was interrupted as the classroom door opened. Luna Lovegood wandered dreamily into the room humming a little tune. Her butterbeer cork necklace round her neck and a flower tucked behind her ear.

"Hello you two." She said happily, "Not at lunch? It's lasagne today. Yummy!"

"What are you doing here?" Hermione snapped.

"Handing in my potions essay Hermione. It was meant to be in yesterday but the nargles stole it and I had to do it again. Why is Malfoy stuck to the wall Hermione? Is he pretending to be wallpaper?"

Hermione turned and glared at Malfoy, "He's stuck to the wall because he's disgusting."

Luna placed her scroll of parchment on the teacher's desk and walked up and stood in front of Malfoy. She stared at him closely with her pale eyes. "He doesn't look particularly disgusting Hermione. Or was it something he did?"

"Don't you dare tell her Granger," Malfoy blustered. "Don't you bloody dare."

"Last night Luna, last night, he sneaked into my dorm and did something with my knickers. The horrid little creep."

Luna's face brightened as she turned to Hermione. "Ooooh! I didn't know you played the knickers game as well Hermione."

"He wormed his way into my room, took my knickers and......." Hermione paused as she turned to stare at Luna. "_What_ did you say? What knickers game?"

"You know Hermione, 'Who Has My Knickers'. I didn't know you played as well."

"Of course she doesn't play." snapped Malfoy. "Goody-goody Granger? You must be kidding."

"Who has my knickers." Hermione said, stunned, ignoring Malfoy. "What.....?"

"You know Hermione, the fifth, sixth and seventh years have been playing it for ages. Years and years"

"What....." Hermione was staring at Luna in disbelief. "How.....Who.....?"

"Oh it's quite simple really, a boy sneaks into a girls' dorm and secretly takes the knickers that she's set out for the next day. That means when that witch gets dressed the next morning she has no knickers to wear and she has to go commando until lunchtime. After lunch the boy comes over and says 'I don't think you're wearing any knickers' and the witch shows him it's true and he gives her the knickers back. I've been playing since the beginning of term you know."

"Shows him it's true?" Hermione asked faintly. "How...."

"Like this Hermione." Without warning Luna lifted the hem of her skirt. "See? No knickers. Mine were taken last night. Again." She dropped her skirt and smoothed it down.

"Sometimes," she went on, "if the boy really likes you he gives you a special pair back; you know lacy ones or something like that. I've got loads of new pairs."

Hermione stood staring at Luna with her mouth open, "Wha....." she spluttered.

"It's lots of fun." Luna was smiling broadly at Hermione, "You spend all morning with no knickers on, and you know that somewhere out there is a wizard who knows, and has your knickers in his bag." Luna giggled, "It's fun trying to guess who it is."

"Wha....." Hermione spluttered again.

"Sometimes a boy might leave you a clue of course, then you know who it is who's got them. Then it gets quite flirty. You can keep bumping into each other and you both know that under your skirt you're not wearing anything." Luna took the flower from behind her ear and smiled at it fondly. "Neville always leaves me a flower." She looked at Hermione, "Isn't that sweet?"

"Neville...?" Hermione croaked in disbelief.

"Yes. Neville. He's very resourceful you know. I've never been able to catch him at it. This is the third time this week. Yesterday he gave me a pretty blue pair back instead of my regulation white ones." Luna sighed happily. "I've always liked Neville, but after I saw him in the shower last month...." She sighed again, "You should see him naked Hermione. He's lovely and muscly, with a flat tummy and he has a really nice bottom."

"In the shower? You saw Neville in the shower?" Hermione shook her head, tying to clear her confusion.

"That's the rules Granger. God! Don't you know anything?" Malfoy sneered at her from his place on the wall.

"Shut up you worm." Hermione spat, "Rules Luna? What rules?"

"It's very simple Hermione, once you've registered to play, if you're a witch a registered wizard can take your knickers, and if you're a wizard a registered witch can take your towel. Then the witch goes up to the boy after supper, hands him back his towel and says 'shower time' and she gets to watch him in the shower." She smiled happily at Hermione, "Before I saw Neville I saw lots of boys. I'm good at stealing towels you see. Did you know Fred and George aren't identical all over? It's much easier to tell them apart when they're undressed." Luna looked coyly at Hermione and twirled a lock of her blonde hair in her fingers, "But now I only take Neville's towel. There's such a lot to look at you see. If you know what I mean." and she winked.

"Registered...?" Hermione squeaked.

"Yes, registered." Luna answered, "You go and register with that portrait of Nathaniel the Naked on the fifth floor and he tells you who isn't in the game. There's only a couple in each house who don't play. That's why I was surprised when you said Malfoy had been at your knickers. Last time I asked the portrait he said that you weren't registered." Luna turned and faced Malfoy and looked at him with disapproval. "So if Hermione isn't registered, why were you messing with her knickers Malfoy? That's against the rules you know. The game could be closed down and that would be a shame. I've had so much fun."

Malfoy glared at her and pressed his lips tighter together. He struggled again but the hex still held him fast to the wall.

Hermione reached into her pocket and handed the instruction parchment to Luna. "He sprinkled this into my underwear last night. Dobby saw him and gave me this before I went to bed." She turned and scowled at Malfoy. "And you thought you were so clever Malfoy. But I fooled you. Clever, self-satisfied, smug Malfoy. All I needed to do was act out what your sick imagination made you think I'd be like under that stuff's influence. And now you're here, now you're at my mercy." Hermione put her face close to his and stared at him, "I wonder if I have any mercy for slime like you. Shall we find out Malfoy?"

"Of course you have mercy Granger. You haven't got the guts to do anything bad." he sneered.

Luna had finished reading the instructions and looked at Malfoy in puzzlement. "Why did you do this to Hermione Granger?" she asked, "Do you fancy her? Even if you do, it's not a very nice thing to do. Not very nice at all."

"Fancy me!" Hermione scoffed, "Of course he doesn't fancy me. He can't stand me. He did it just to humiliate me. Like I said before Luna....he's stuck to that wall because he's disgusting."

For the first time Hermione saw anger in Luna's face. Luna looked at the parchment and then back to Malfoy and said, "Sexy stuff should be about fun and pleasure and liking people and being nice to each other. Hermione's right, you are disgusting." She turned to Hermione, her face still stern, What are you going to do with him?" she asked.

Hermione looked at Malfoy, "Give him a taste of his own medicine I think. Let's see." She picked up Malfoys schoolbag and unceremoniously emptied the contents onto the bench. Rummaging through the pile of books and quills she picked up the box from the pile and removed the jar of dust from inside.

"Right, the fun's over Granger. Stop now and I won't report you. I mean it!" All Malfoy's swagger, bravado and bluster had vanished. Stuck to the wall, he was beginning to look worried.

"Let's see how you like it. Let's see how you like walking around the school with an uncontrollable hard-on." She stared at him as she slowly unscrewed the lid. Malfoy looked terrified now. Hermione tucked her fingers behind the waistband of his trousers and pulled them forward.

"Ready Malfoy?" she grinned as she held the jar above the gap she'd created.

"Err, Hermione," Luna interrupted, "Be careful. It says do not exceed..."

Hermione tipped the entire contents of the jar into Malfoys underpants.

"...the stated dose." Luna finished. "Oh dear."

_To be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malfoy gets what's coming.......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit longer than originally planned.  
One chapter after this, then an epilogue.

Malfoy looked down at his trousers. Wispy tendrils of red and black smoke began to emerge from his waistband.  
"What've you done? For the love of God Granger what have you done?" He looked at Hermione in fear, "You're only supposed to use a pinch. One bloody pinch."  
The vengeful smile had left Hermione's face. She looked nervous as she turned to Luna, "Is that right Luna? What does the parchment say?"  
Stuck to the wall, Malfoy began to groan, beads of sweat appeared on his forehead.  
"He's right Hermione, that's what it says." Luna answered matter-of-factly as she showed Hermione the instructions, "Just here, see. Right below where it says 'WARNING' in bid red flashing capital letters." Luna looked up at Malfoy, "You don't look very well Malfoy. Are you alright? That's a very big bulge in your trousers."  
"Let him out." Malfoy panted, "There's not enough room. Please let him out Granger. It hurts." His usually pale face was almost white.  
Hermione turned her alarmed face to Luna, "What does he mean?"  
"I think he wants you to undo his trousers." Luna turned to Hermione and began to explain. "You haven't played the shower game Hermione so you probably don't know, but when boys get excited their cocks become all big and stiff and swollen. It's called an erection. Sometimes it's called a hard-on, or a stiffy, or a boner, or a pocket rocket, or a......"  
"Luna, I know this, I'm not completely stupid." Hermione interrupted.  
"Well, I've seen a few. Lots and lots in fact." She smiled at Hermione, "They start off all small and floppy and they get longer and fatter and straighter until they're all sticky-out in front. Apart from Neville," she sighed, "His doesn't just get big, it gets huge. And it doesn't stick out at the front; it points straight up, right at the sky. And with Neville it doesn't just happen in the shower." Luna smiled coyly, "It happens every time he gives me my knickers back. That's why he wears those loose trousers; it has to have somewhere to grow. If it didn't have some space to grow in, I think it might break."  
"Oh Jesus!" Malfoy gasped. "Please. Please Granger help."  
Luna looked at Malfoy's pale and sweating face, twisted into a grimace of fear and pain, "Is that right Malfoy? Are your trousers too tight?" Malfoy nodded.  
"There, you see Hermione, you have to let his cock out. Off you go then."  
"Why me?" Hermione squeaked, "Why should I have to? You're the one with all the experience, can't you do it?"  
"Not really Hermione. You gave him the overdose. And anyway, I'm loyal to Neville now, He's enough for any girl. More than enough probably." Luna looked down at Malfoy's trousers, "I'd hurry up though, if I were you. The stitching is beginning to give way. Start by undoing the belt, then the button at the top, next undo the zip and pull his trousers down."  
Hermione stepped up to the pinned Malfoy and began to take off his trousers. She looked up at the Slytherin with contempt, "I'll never forgive you for this you maggot. I'm going to bloody leave you here, stuck to the wall with an unstoppable hard-on until the next class come in after lunch."  
"Anything. Just hurry up Granger, please. I'm in agony." Veins and tendons were standing out on Malfoy's neck.  
Hermione undid the zip and pulled the trousers down to Malfoy's knees. She raised her head. Just inches away were Malfoys green silk boxers stretched almost to breaking point by his recently released cock.  
"Oh yes.....tent-pole." Luna said, "That's another word you can use." She looked at Malfoy, "Is that any better?"  
Malfoy's breathing had calmed, he nodded. "A bit, just the shorts left Granger. Please!"  
"Maggot!" Hermione muttered as she pulled down the boxer shorts finally freeing Malfoy's cock, which immediately sprang back up slapping against his belly.  
Hermione had never seen a naked man before, and for a moment stood transfixed by the sight of Malfoy's engorged member as it stood out proudly before him, pulsating gently in time with his heartbeat.  
She turned to Luna, "Are they all that....big?" she asked.  
Luna didn't answer. She was rummaging through her school bag, taking out first a notebook and pencil, then a protractor and finally a tape measure. Humming contentedly she measured first the length, then the girth and finally that angle at which Malfoys cock stood. She opened her notebook, whispering the numbers to herself as she wrote them down. "And a 'C' for circumcised." she finished, before snapping the book shut and returning everything to her bag.  
Luna turned to Hermione, "Third longest, second fattest and third most sticky-up. A good way to start your collection Hermione, that's going to be quite difficult to beat. There's Neville of course....." she looked at the stunned witch, ".....but I'd be grateful if you didn't. I really do like him quite a lot." She took the flower from behind her ear and gazed wistfully at it.  
"They are probably the biggest balls I've ever seen though Hermione." Luna bent down to take a closer look, "In fact, they're getting bigger all the time." She straightened up and looked at Malfoy, who had begun sweating again. "How do they feel Malfoy?" she asked.  
He looked at her pleadingly, "They ache, and they throb alternately, and they're getting heavier."  
"Is....is that normal?" Hermione asked him faintly.  
"Normal? Of course it's not bloody normal Granger. What have you done to me?"  
"I didn't mean.....I'm sorry.......what can I do?" Hermione stood transfixed with fear, unable to tear her gaze from Malfoy's twitching and throbbing manhood.  
"Help." Luna said with determination, "That's what we need, some help. I'm going to fetch a teacher." Without further ado she turned and ran from the class.  
"Perhaps if I poured some cold water on it....." Hermione suggested, ".....you know what they say about cold showers. What do you think? Would that help?"  
"It can't hurt." Malfoy said through gritted teeth, "But whatever you do, hurry up Granger."  
Hermione ran to the sink and filled an empty beaker from the tap. Dashing back, she held the beaker over Malfoy's cock. "Ready?" she said, trying to stop her hand shaking.  
"Stop chattering Granger and just pour it on." His voice was just a hoarse croak now.  
Hermione poured a stream of water from the beaker onto the top of the Slytherin's pulsating cock. There was a sizzling sound and the water flashed instantly to steam. She dropped the beaker as her hand flew to her mouth. She stared, wide-eyed in terror, into Malfoy's eyes. His jaw dropped and he stared back. "I'm done for!" he whispered in despair.  
"It's all right everyone." came Luna's voice from behind Hermione, "I've brought help."  
"Thank God!" Hermione and Malfoy chorused.  
"Look!" Luna said as she triumphantly held the classroom door open, "Professor McGonagall's here. Everything will be fine."  
Malfoy and Hermione stared at each other aghast. McGonagall. Why did it have to be McGonagall?  
The tall figure stalked down the aisle between the workbenches and stopped in front of the strange tableau. Her gaze swept across them as she took in the terrified Hermione, Malfoy stuck to the wall and finally her eyes dropped. She calmly adjusted her glasses.  
"Very impressive Mister Malfoy. But this is neither the time or the place to be presenting the world with an erection, albeit a magnificent one. Detention, every Saturday and Sunday for the rest of term."  
Reluctantly tearing her gaze away she turned to Hermione.  
"I suppose you did this to him?"  
Hermione nodded dumbly and picked up the empty jar from the bench and showed to the professor. "I used the powder, and now he has this huge stiffy and I don't know what to do." she said wretchedly.  
"I was wondering when this stuff would make an appearance." McGonagall muttered. "Every damn year. Regular as clockwork."  
"But how do I make it go away?" Hermione pleaded. "It's hurting him."  
"You have to bring him off girl! How do you think?" The exasperation was evident in the professor's voice. "The effects keep building until the point of climax. Withholding that release is only for experienced users. Well. What are you waiting for?" McGonagall crossed her arms, tapping her foot impatiently on the floor.  
Hermione tore her appalled gaze from the professor and looked at Malfoy. He was leering down at her, delight now showing through the pain.  
"You heard the professor Granger. You've got to wank me off. What are you waiting for?"  
"But, but.....I've never. I don't know what to do. Help!" Hermione was glancing from McGonagall to Malfoy in despair and confusion.  
The professor snorted. "Novices! Take a firm grasp of the shaft just behind the head. Well girl, go on. It won't bite!"  
Hermione nervously reached out and encircled Malfoy's cock with her fingers. She was surprised at how firm it was, surprised at the heat it was generating and how soft the skin was.  
"Now squeeze gently and, starting slowly, move your hand up and down. That's right. Look at his face."  
Hermione looked at Malfoy. His face was transformed. No longer a rictus of pain and fear, he was clearly in ecstasy, moaning gently. He opened his eyes and looked at Hermione. "Don't stop Granger, that's fantastic. How about squeezing a bit tighter?"  
"Shut up you disgusting worm. I'll never forget this." she spat in fury. "Never!"  
"Neither will I Granger." He leered at her. "Now, squeeze a little tighter I said."  
"Do as he says Miss Granger, if you take your cues from him it'll bring him to a climax quicker." McGonagall snapped. "Then maybe I can get back to my lunch. It's lasagne today and mine's getting cold."  
Hermione squeezed tighter, bringing a satisfied groan from Malfoy, and continued to rub. She stared at him in disgust as waves of pleasure passed across his face  
"Faster Granger. Nearly there." Malfoy's voice was urgent. Hermione increased the tempo of her manipulations.  
Without warning a spasm gripped Malfoy's whole body as he climaxed. A torrent of cum erupted from his cock and splashed all over Hermione's jumper and skirt.  
"Just like a great big fire extinguisher." Luna said delightedly. "Your first cock and your first hand job all on the same day. You are making fast progress Hermione."  
Hermione didn't answer. She was looking down at her cum splattered uniform with revulsion. "You filthy, disgusting..."  
"I'm sorry Miss Granger." McGonagall said, "I should have warned you to stand to one side. But I wasn't expecting quite so much." She waved her wand and Hermione's uniform was instantly clean.  
"I'm not surprised there was so much." chimed in Luna, "His balls had got really, really big. They're a lot smaller now." Tilting her head a little she examined Malfoy's scrotum more closely. "But they're swelling up again. And he hasn't gone all floppy like boys usually do afterwards. In fact he's still as stiff as ever."  
Professor McGonagall's head snapped round to glare at Hermione. "Don't tell me you used two pinches you foolish girl." Hermione shook her head.  
"Not three?" the professor asked faintly.  
"The whole jar." Luna said. "Hermione tipped the whole jar down his trousers and then his pants started to smoke. That's why I fetched you to help. The instructions said do not exceed the stated dose. What will happen do you think?"  
McGonagall didn't answer, but waving her wand cast her cat patronus.  
"Message for Poppy Pomfrey. Potions class. Lust Dust. Emergency." The silvery cat vanished.  
"I just hope Madam Pomfrey knows what to do." said the professor in a worried voice, "Miss Granger, we haven't any time to lose, once again please."  
"What?" Hermione tore her gaze from Malfoy and looked at her housemistress.  
"I think professor McGonagall means you have to make him cum again Hermione." Luna was looking at Malfoy's balls.  
"Indeed. Thank you miss Lovegood. Well miss Granger?"  
Hermione took a firm hold of Malfoy's cock and began a rhythmic tugging. "You'll pay for this Malfoy you little worm." She said looking at Malfoy's face. "If it takes me forever, I'll make you pay."  
"It's worth it Granger. You're really good at this." he panted as he grinned at her. "A bit tighter. Now faster......nearly......nearly."  
With another convulsive shudder a flood of cum spurted from him.  
"Wow!" cried Luna, "That must have gone five feet." She looked back to Malfoy, "His balls are a bit smaller professor, but not much. And they're growing again."  
"Don't stop Miss Granger." the professor ordered, "It's imperative that you don't stop. We must try to limit the swelling."  
"But my arm's tired." Hermione complained.  
"Then change hands girl!"  
Hermione changed hands and continued to tug and squeeze.  
"Perhaps if Hermione squeezed them," Luna suggested, "it would help them shrink."  
"I'm not sure that would work miss Lovegood." McGonagall said, anxiously looking at her watch.  
"Who cares!" Malfoy croaked, "Give 'em a squeeze anyway Granger. Go on!"  
Hermione cupped his balls in her free hand and squeezed.  
"Granger, that's fantastic." He convulsed once more.  
"At least seven feet that time." Luna said helpfully.  
At that moment Madam Pomfrey entered the room. She walked briskly up to Malfoy and briefly looked him over.  
"I got here as fast as I could Minerva, how much of the stuff was he given?"  
"The whole jar Poppy. We've been applying the recommended first aid: Miss Granger has been applying continuous hand relief and it has limited the swelling a little. But we really need your professional skills."  
Madam Pomfrey was rapidly searching through her medical bag as she said, "Well done Minerva. How many times has he orgasmed so far?"  
"Three times." McGonagall answered. "And it's gone further each time."  
"Four times" Luna said as Malfoy groaned in ecstasy. "And that went at least ten feet. His balls have started glowing now."  
"It's just as I feared." said madam Pomfrey, taking a small jar from her bag. "Gross Hypertrophic Testicular Overdrive. But I think I got here in time.  
"What the hell does that mean?" panted Malfoy from his place on the wall.  
"It means mister Malfoy," said the mediwitch, "that you're balls are producing more semen than you can eject. If we don't do something soon, well, then they'll burst."  
"Jesus Christ!" Malfoy rasped, his face twisted with fear. "Faster Granger, give it everything you've got." Hermione's hand was now moving so fast it was almost a blur.  
"No, that won't be enough." Madam Pomfrey was unscrewing the lid of her jar, "The excess has to sucked out."  
"I can't," squeaked Hermione, "I don't know how."  
"Don't worry girl." Madam Pomfrey said, looking hungrily at Malfoy, "Just you leave him to me."  
"What?" croaked Malfoy, "But I want Granger to do it."  
"This is a medical emergency boy, You'll do as you're told." Madam Pomfrey's voice was stern as she dipped her finger into the jar, removing it coated with a sticky brown substance. "You can stand aside now girl. Let the professionals take over."  
With a sigh of relief Hermione let go of Malfoy's cock and stepped back. Madam Pomfrey dropped to her knees and began to cover the throbbing organ with the sticky brown substance from the jar.  
"What does that ointment do?" Luna asked.  
"It's not ointment." Madam Pomfrey answered, smearing on the final sticky bit from the jar. "It's not ointment miss Lovegood. It's chocolate sauce." She screwed the lid on and placed the jar back in her bag. "I have a very sweet tooth. Or I would have if I had any teeth left." She looked up at Malfoy and winked. Malfoy stared down at her, slack jawed, as she reached up, removed her dentures and pocketed them. Giving him a dreadful, toothless and gummy grin she lisped, "You're going to love thith mithter Malfoy, trutht me." before lowering her head and taking Malfoy's entire length into her mouth.  
Stuck to the wall, Malfoy began to quiver all over. "Oh my good God, that's incredible." he managed to croak as the grey curls bobbed up and down in his crotch. The mediwitch cupped his glowing balls in her hands and began to squeeze in time with the movements of her head. Eventually, with a bestial scream, Malfoy climaxed as madam Pomfrey sucked him dry.  
Malfoy lifted his tousled head. His eyes were sunken and his jaw hung open. "Wow!" was all he could say before he lapsed into unconsciousness.  
Smiling calmly to herself madam Pomfrey stood and replaced her dentures before turning to Hermione.  
"If you could release him from the wall miss Granger, I shall levitate him to the Hospital Wing to continue the therapy. One. Two. Three."  
In unison the two of them waved their wands and Malfoy's inert form drifted away from the wall and floated a few inches from the ground.  
Glancing at Malfoy's still erect penis Hermione asked, "It will be alright. Won't it?"  
Madam Pomfrey smiled at her, "Don't worry miss Granger, I have some whipped cream and raspberry sauce in my office. I may even be able to find some sugar strands to sprinkle on top."  
"No, I meant alright with Malfoy. His balls aren't going to explode are they?"  
"No girl, I came in time. Well, he did anyway. The effects should have worn off by Sunday."  
Taking a firm hold of Malfoy's dick, madam Pomfrey towed the floating and unresponsive Slytherin from the room. "I won't be down for supper Minerva." she said as she closed the door behind her.  
Professor McGonagall turned and looked fiercely at Luna and Hermione. "You two have some questions to answer I think."

_To be concluded....._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those who left kudos on chapter one.


	3. Chapter 3

"Perhaps you'd like to start Miss Granger." Professor McGonagall said, disapproval etched in every line of her face. "Why were you, clearly a complete novice in the world of penises, experimenting with mister Malfoy's magnificent cock in the potions classroom? I never thought you were the sort to fall for bad boys."  
Hermione mumbled something unintelligible.  
"Speak up girl!"  
"It wasn't an experiment professor." Luna interrupted, "It was revenge. Malfoy sprinkled some of that stuff in her knickers last night. She was just getting her own back."  
"But I didn't think you were registered to play 'Who Has My Knickers' Miss Granger." professor McGonagall said, her eyebrows raised in surprise. "Hence my shock when I found you confronted by mister Malfoy's splendidly distended love muscle."  
"I'm not registered." Hermione said, "He put that stuff in my panties to try and humiliate me."  
The professor's stern gaze softened. "Ah, I think I'm beginning to understand."  
"He will be alright won't he?" Hermione asked, "I only meant to shame him. I didn't do it to make his balls explode. Really I didn't."  
"He'll be just fine Miss Granger. Madam Pomfrey is a very dedicated and experienced healer. She's probably at his bedside as we speak."  
"Probably on her knees." Luna said brightly. "She certainly is experienced, I was watching her with Malfoy. She could probably suck a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Probably."  
"Thank you Miss Lovegood. Don't you have somewhere to be? Somewhere else? It's nearly time for class."  
"Oh no!" Luna looked at her watch, "I have to find Neville, he's got my knickers, if he doesn't give them back I won't have any on for the charms class. Those benches are really cold you know."   
"Before you go Miss Lovegood," McGonagall said, "Please don't tell anyone about what happened here today. Not even pillow-talk. You understand me?"  
"What's pillow-talk professor?" Luna looked puzzled, "Is that what the boy says when he puts a pillow under your bottom before he...."  
"Just keep it secret please miss Lovegood." McGonagall interrupted hastily. "Not a word to anyone."  
"Okay Professor." Luna nodded her consent before dashing from the room.  
Professor McGonagall smiled fondly after her as she left. "Just like her mother. I should imagine she's quite popular miss Granger."  
"If what she said about all the extra knickers she's been given is true, she must be I suppose." Hermione said. "How do you know about the game professor?"  
"Well," Professor McGonagall smiled at Hermione, "I invented it, in my seventh year. But I'd be grateful if that didn't become common knowledge either Miss Granger."  
"Of course professor, "Hermione nodded, "I won't tell a soul."  
"There are some lessons I'd like you to take from this Miss Granger." McGonagall indicated a stool. Hermione sat and looked up with her normal attentive expression.  
"Firstly, I hope you now have an understanding of how perilous magic can be. And how important it is that all magical instructions are followed." Hermione nodded.  
"Secondly, there's an old proverb that says 'When setting out for revenge, first dig two graves.' I trust you now understand what that means?" Hermione nodded again.  
"Lastly, and here I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you." McGonagall looked at Hermione with regret, "There are very few wizards as generously proportioned as mister Malfoy. Very few indeed. I wouldn't want you to leave here thinking you'll meet many more like that."  
"Of course not professor. Malfoy is a very lucky boy. I'll remember."  
"I'm sure you will. I know I shall.  
"One more thing before you go. I'd like you to go to the hospital wing and for you and Mister Malfoy to apologise to each other. Saturday morning would be a good time I think. The crisis will have passed by then. Do you agree?"  
"Yes professor, of course."  
"Good! I shall inform Mister Malfoy as well.  
"Goodbye then Miss Granger. Perhaps there's just enough time to have my lasagne after all." With that the professor turned in a swirl of robes and marched from the room.

***********************************

On Saturday morning Hermione stood outside the door to the hospital wing. Her heart was thumping hard in her chest. She wondered if she'd have the courage.  
Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door.  
The ward was quiet. Malfoy was asleep in the only occupied bed, his chest rising and falling gently. Hermione could see that there was no erection in evidence and walked over to the bed and gently shook his shoulder.  
"Not the Mustard again Madam Pomfrey, please." he mumbled in his sleep, "It burns."  
Hermione shook his shoulder again, this time a little harder.   
"Malfoy" she hissed, "Wake up!"  
Malfoy opened his eyes and the frown of worry he'd awoken with left his face as he saw who it was.  
"It's you Hermione, thank goodness."  
"Mustard?" Hermione said, raising one eyebrow.  
"Yesterday lunchtime. With onions. In a bun. She called me her 'delicious, meaty hot dog'. I don't want to go into it any further Hermione. Please don't ask."  
"Not if you don't want me to." Hermione said with sympathy. "How are you?" she looked down to where the thin sheet was covering his hips, "Things seem to have quietened down in the, you know, in the trouser area."  
Draco smiled at her for the first time ever. "It still happens from time to time. But only once so far today. Madam Pomfrey calls them 'Randomly Determined Harmonic Erectile Events'. I think that just means I continue get spontaneous stiffies every now and then."  
He glanced across to his bedside cabinet where there was a jug of water and a small crystal bell.  
"That's what the bell's for. When it happens I ring the bell and Madam Pomfrey comes and, well, you know, eventually so do I. I really shouldn't complain but I'm exhausted. I've offered to do it myself but she won't let me. She says it's her duty."  
"How many times?" Hermione asked, "How many times has she, you know, since the first time in the potions class?"  
"I can't honestly remember." Draco answered, "But my notes are hanging on that clipboard at the end of the bed. The first eighteen hours were pretty intense. Almost continuous. I remember there was custard, cream, Crème Anglaise, raspberry sauce, orange compote, lemon syllabub. The strawberry ice cream was the best though, quite a relief I can tell you."  
"I'm sorry Draco." Hermione said, "I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I just wanted to humiliate you and I didn't think."  
"God Hermione, it's not you who should be apologising."  
"But I could have shattered your nuts, and no one deserves that."  
"Hermione, it was all my fault. I put that stuff in your knickers out of spite. Just to satisfy my own miserable desire to humiliate and shame you. And instead of leaving me stuck to that wall for my balls to burst you stayed and helped. You took responsibility Hermione. Despite my horrible comments you took responsibility and prevented what Madam Pomfrey calls 'A Cataclysmic Scrotal Backfire'.   
"I've had time to think the past couple of days Hermione. I have realised that I never take responsibility, I always blame others for my inadequacies. I blame their background, their house, their lack of wealth. For the past six years I've been the most horrible little shit and I deserved to have my bollocks blasted. I'm sorry. Sorry for my meanness, my insults, my spite. I'm sorry for it all. I know you probably can't forgive me, but I hope you can believe me." He smiled at her.  
"I do believe you Draco. And I do forgive you. And you've been calling me Hermione."  
"We passed through a dreadful trial together Hermione. I wouldn't have made it without you."  
Hermione smiled back at him.  
"Thank you Draco, you've made what I have to say next so much easier  
"Ever since last Wednesday I haven't been able to concentrate. I can't focus in class, I can't complete my homework, I can't sleep. Images of your strainingly hard cock keep passing through my mind. Yesterday I spent thirty minutes on my transfiguration homework and when I read it back all I'd written was the word 'spurt' four hundred and eighty-three times."  
"Oh God Hermione, I'm so sorry." Draco's face was a tragic mask of despair. "Perhaps counselling?"  
"I have a better plan Draco. A three step plan. Will you help?"  
"Of course Hermione, Anything. Anything you ask."  
"Well firstly," Hermione said, taking a pair of knickers from her pocket, "Here are the knickers you enchanted. They're Wednesday's. On Wednesday morning I won't be wearing them." She handed them to Malfoy, "If you give them to me on Wednesday lunchtime I'll put them on. By suppertime I think I should be ready for anything. I thought, if I told you what I like you could make me, you know, make me cum. Like when you told me you wanted me to squeeze tighter. If that's alright?"  
Draco looked at the demure witch standing next to his bed and nodded mutely.  
"That seems to have done the trick." Hermione said, smiling as she looked down at Draco's bedsheet, standing like a marquee as it draped over his newly returned erection.  
"Sorry Hermione." Draco reached for the bell, "You'd better leave."  
Hermione took hold of his wrist just before he picked up the bell and returned his arm to the bed.  
"Step two." She said, folding down the sheet and gently stroking Draco's throbbing member as it lay against his belly, twitching in the cool air. She smiled and began to tickle his rapidly expanding balls.  
"Step two. I watched Madam Pomfrey in the classroom Draco and I want to try that. My mum and dad are dentists so I'm afraid I have all my teeth. And I've never done it before so you'll have to give me instructions, but I'm a fast learner and work hard.  
"Step two. I want to suck that lovely stiff cock. May I?"  
He nodded.   
"And step three Hermione. What's step three?" Draco managed to croak.  
"Step three Draco is...."  
She paused,   
"Call me Granger." She growled.  
Comprehension dawned on Malfoy's puzzled face. He grinned at Hermione.  
"What are you waiting for Granger. It won't suck itself you know!"  
With a sigh of utter delight Hermione lowered her bushy head.


	4. Epilogue

With a faint pop Mrs. Hermione Malfoy materialised at the top of the steps that led up to the grandiose marble portico of Gringott's bank.  
At twenty-two years old she looked the very picture of wellbeing. Her hair was thick and glossy. Her skin, translucent like fine porcelain, almost glowed with a rosy blush. As she made her sprightly way down the steps towards the turning into Knockturn Alley many wizards, young and old, turned their heads to watch.  
Perhaps it was her full, firm breasts that grabbed their attention. Perhaps it was the curve of her hips or her shapely legs. It could have been her round, pert bottom that wiggled ever so slightly as she walked. Maybe it was just that she exuded an almost palpable aura of good health and vibrant energy.  
As she was about to turn the corner she almost bumped into a young couple coming the other way. She smiled happily as she recognised them, her teeth gleaming unnaturally white in the spring sun.  
"Luna. Neville. Lovely to see you. I haven't seen you since the wedding. How are you both?"  
"Well, we haven't really been out much since we married Hermione." Neville answered. "You know what it's like....newlyweds setting up a new home together?"  
"And all the shagging." Luna chipped in, "There's been so much shagging." She smiled at Hermione, "In the kitchen, in the shed, on the stairs and once up against the tree in the garden. When we get home Neville's going to bend me over the back of the sofa." She sighed contentedly.  
"And how about you Hermione?" Neville asked, "How's married life treating you? You're looking really well I must say. Really well. What's your secret?"  
"Oh nothing really, just a good diet I suppose." Hermione answered. "Lots of protein and vitamins." She winked at Luna, who smiled in understanding. "Have you two been to Angelica's? That's where I'm heading."  
"Yep." Said Neville, "The mould was made last week and we've just been to give our final approval to the casting. It's now on sale."  
"So Luna managed to persuade you eventually then?"  
"She did." Neville chuckled, "She said I had a great gift and should share it. But I couldn't, you know, with any other witch but my Luna." He raised Luna's hand to his lips and kissed it. "This seemed like a good compromise. Might even make a few galleons on the licensing deal."  
"I don't mean to be rude Hermione," Luna said, "but we really must be getting home for that shag. We should meet up one evening for a pint though. Soon."  
"Oh, I usually have more than a pint in the evening Luna. Quite a lot more." Hermione winked again. "But yes, that would be lovely. Take care you two."  
Waving their farewell the young couple disapparated and Hermione turned and went down the side alley that led to the discreet door of Angelica's Wizarding Sex Shop. Pushing it open she went inside.  
At the counter a young dark haired witch was holding a large purple strap-on dildo and speaking to Angelica.  
"We've had this for a couple of months now Angelica," she was saying, indicating the synthetic phallus in her hand, "and were looking to move up a grade. What do you suggest?"  
"Well Miss Parkinson, I would suggest 'The Longbottom'. New in today. How is Miss Greengrass by the way?"  
"Oh, Daphne's just fine. 'The Longbottom' you say? May I take a look?" Pansy Parkinson enquired.  
Angelica reached below the counter and brought out an enormous lifelike dildo, and stood it on the counter.  
"There you are Miss Parkinson. Fourteen inches and with an adjustable girth control. What do you think?"  
"Woof!" Said Pansy picking up the monstrous flesh-coloured sex toy, "Daphne's going to love it! It must weigh three or four pounds. I'll take it." She handed over a few gold coins and left the shop, somehow cramming the giant dildo into her bag.  
"Good morning Mrs. Malfoy." Angelica said, turning her attention to Hermione, "Sorry to keep you waiting. A jar of the usual is it?"  
"Yes please Angelica." Hermione said, "Is my husband not here? He said he'd meet me."  
"Mister Malfoy is having a quiet sit down in the back. He was feeling a bit wobbly. I'll let him know you're here." Angelica opened the door behind the counter and called, "Sir, your wife has arrived."  
Walking unsteadily with a silver topped ebony cane Draco tottered over to Hermione and planted a kiss on her cheek. His expensive clothes hung from his wasted and skeletal body. His skin, grey like ancient parchment, was stretched tight over his fleshless face. His once thick blond hair had almost all disappeared, leaving only a few sparse strands covering his scalp.  
"Hello love." he wheezed, taking Hermione's hand and looking adoringly at her.  
Angelica placed the box of Wizard Viagrum's Dust of Desire on the counter.  
"There you are Mrs. Malfoy." she said. "I don't mean to intrude, but are you sure you've not been overdoing it a little? This is the second jar this week."  
"Perhaps Angelica's right love." Draco said to Hermione in his cracked voice, "It's been every night for the last seven months. Maybe a night off?"  
Hermione smiled at her husband, her bright, healthy eyes twinkling, "Oh go on Draco, you know you love it." She leant closer and whispered into his ear, "I'll take my teeth out."  
"We'll take the jar please Angelica." Draco said handing over the money and putting the box in his pocket.  
Straightening his frail, withered body he looked sternly at his wife.  
"Well...." He said, "What are you waiting for Granger. Bedroom. Now!"  
Hermione sighed happily and disapparated.  
Draco turned his sunken, dull eyes to Angelica and croaked, "I know. You don't have to tell me. I can't last much longer. But it's a hell of a way to go."   
There was a pop as he disapparated, leaving his elegant ebony cane standing in the middle of the shop.  
Slowly it toppled over and lay still on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you are gentle reader, it's finished. If there is a moral to this tale what is it I wonder?  
Be careful what you wish for?  
Don't wake a sleeping tigress?  
Always read the instructions?
> 
> Thank you for making it to the end.

**Author's Note:**

> Second chapter soon (ish)
> 
> Credit for Angelica's Magical Sex Shop goes to Hermione_Stranger and her excellent 'Pink & Blue'


End file.
